Yesterday I was crying.
"...for you to be able to feel the real freedom and peace of mind, you have to let go and accept all the grudges you keep in heart. You can't see God face to face when all that runs in your mind is bitterness. Go spend a day alone and cry about everything. Feel sorry for all the things you think is regretful, learn to forgive those people even you don't hear them say sorry for the hurt that they've done to you... And let your heart speak to Him instead of words uttered by mouth... God will never leave you alone. He'll give someone to go over you. God loves us that much. Pero bessy, namamalo si God. Takot ako sa palo nya. I know, inside of you are fears too. Natatakot ka din kasi maghirap. Know what sacrifice really means...by heart. Talk to Him more often. He's just waiting for you..."
I can't speak. I'm looking from afar but my senses and heart understand every bit of words she says. Rachelle and I had been best of friends since college. We were partners in crime and justice for about five to six years... When we were in college, we often make mistakes impulsively. We might be unideal for everybody but now i guess we are so much more than what other people think. And to describe my best friend... She'd grown much compared to me.
Let me just tell you what happened.
I hated the world. I said, "Bakit pa ako nabigyan ng ama, kung wala naman pakialam sakin... Hindi ko man lang maramdaman na may ama pa ko. I'm going thru medications now, alam nia yun. I'm diagnosed to have a polycystic ovarian syndrome. Pero ano, wala lang sa kanya. Ni pangangamusta kung nakakamatay ba yun o hindi...wala. I greeted him last time. I texted him saying "Happy father's day". No reply. I've just heard lumabas pala sila ng mga stepmom ko. Every year ganon... Kahit birthday nya, sila-sila lang din. Hindi ba masakit yun? I am always being left. Hindi ako manhid. Bata pa lang ako, frustration ko na yun. Ang buong pamilya. Hindi ko lang masanay ang sarili ko. Oo..masakit pa rin. Bawat pagkukulang ay iniintindi ko...pero un sakit na wala ang presence nia pag kailangan ko sya makes me feel more of bitterness. Magtetext lang sya pag me ipapagawa, may hihinging favor, o magpapaturo sa facebook."
Tapos may isa pa kong tanong. "Bakit pa ko nabigyan ng ina, kung kinuha agad sya na wala man lang akong kamalay-malay. Marami pa ko gustong sabihin at ikuento sa kanya pero, nasan sya?". Enough said.
Hateful, isn't it...
Kapag ganyan nga ng ganyan, ang hirap talaga mabuhay. People might say I am an immature person. But i guess, they don't know what they're saying. I've been through a lot to which I can say... "Baka pwede na ko bumigay..."
Some people are getting involved kahit di naman dapat.
At this point in time gusto ko malaman kung nasaan ang "peace of mind" na hinahanap ko. I know, something is missing. I lost Him...and I'm finding my way back.
I guess I need to let go. I might not give off everything now, pero paunti-unti, makakaya ko.
I am sorry sa lahat ng taong nasaktan ko by words and deeds. I mean it.
SIDENOTE:
You can have all the chances by lifetime. It is up to you how would you make it up.
Good morning PH.
